


The Stars Within

by Pline



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crew as Family, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-20 02:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17614025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline
Summary: Something is wrong with Kirk, and now that Sulu has had time to think about it, he finally notices how much his captain has changed in the last past weeks.How little he smiles, how he always keeps himself busy..Jim barely eats, barely sleeps. Sulu and the crew decide to do something to help their captain.





	The Stars Within

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: the story mentions an unhealthy relationship with food but it never gets graphic. Please be careful when reading this.

“Do you think they’ll be done soon? I’m tired of being here.”

“I’m sure it won’t be long now.”

Jim sighs. His fingers are tapping on the ground where he sits, ever only stopping when he thinks he has heard something and then his whole body tenses, waiting to see if they’re about to be released.

Sulu and him have been held up in a Selssian prison for a little over a day. The guards are not aggressive nor impolite, they just bring them food twice a day in silence and leave.

Their room even has two small beds and a tiny bathroom. It’s not luxurious but it’s more than they usually have when they’re held hostage.

No one is questioning them, they are just restrained as a means of negotiation for the Selssians. It’s a tradition for them: the exchange of prisoners as a sign of trust and also a guarantee that there will be no foul play

Despite being in relative safety, Jim can’t bring himself to relax. Sulu has never seen him like this. Even in the direst of situations, Kirk has always remained focused, but here, in this cell, he never rests.

When he is not pacing back and forth, he is sitting down on the floor but he never stay still, and he barely stops talking. It’s as if the silence has become his worst enemy, and the only thing he can do is running from it.

It’s so strange to see his captain this way and Sulu doesn’t know why. They have been held hostage before, Kirk more than anyone, and he’s never shown any distress. He’s not claustrophobic either, Sulu has already seen him climb in the tiniest of vents aboard the Enterprise to help engineering.

What could render James Kirk such a shivering fidgety mess?

McCoy has been away on a secret mission on Earth for the last past weeks, and even if everyone knows that these two are always in each other’s pocket, the separation alone cannot be it.

Sulu has tried several times to get Kirk to open up, to no avail, and apart from distracting him, he doesn’t know what to do.

“Demora’s birthday is in a month,” Sulu says out of nowhere. He is sitting on his bed, looking absently at the door in front of him. “I’m gonna miss it.”

“I’m sorry, Sulu,” Jim says, at loss for other words. He’s stopped tapping.

“She’s a smart kid, you know. She gets that my job is important and I can’t be home often, but it’s hard. I wasn’t there when she took her first steps. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my job but sometimes I wish I could be with my family more often.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, it’s okay. It’s gotta be hard for you having them so far away all the time.”

Sulu turns to look at Jim who is sitting on the floor, he smiles a little sadly.

“Ben is the best dad that anyone could hope for, and he’s the best husband. I’m really lucky to have him.”

“He’s lucky to have you too.”

They say nothing for a while, each lost in thought. Kirk’s leg starts shaking.

“Demora has a hero crush on you by the way,” Sulu says. Anything to get Jim to calm down.

Jim manages to choke on thin air, “Excuse me?”

“Yeah,” and Sulu laughs. “Ever since you saved my life on that platform. And then it grew even bigger every time you saved the universe. And now? After Yorktown, she straight up worships you, it’s becoming worrying to be honest.”

Jim laughs a little breathlessly. He looks like he can’t quite believe anyone would admire him even though he’s the captain of the most famous ship in the Federation, a hero who has saved several planets and whose name inspire respect and awe when spoken.

“Is that why she always has a drawing for me?”

“You got it, Captain.”

“Damn.”

The silence settles again between them but this time Jim is wearing a little smile that he can’t seem to shake. He stays still for the first time since they arrived.

“How strange,” Jim whispers and Sulu is sure he wasn’t meant to hear it.

“Is that so?”

“Sorry?” Jim is frowning.

“Is that so strange to you that Demora can look up to you as a hero?”

Jim’s mouth opens but no words get out. Sulu’s heart breaks a little bit. How can Jim not see it? How can he not realize his worth?

“She has you for that,” is his friend’s only answer.

Hikaru smiles, “Oh, I’m old news for her,” he jokes.

Jim smiles is too soon replaced by a frown. He starts tapping again.

* * *

 

 

It isn’t until later, once they are freed from their cell and finally returned to the Enterprise that Sulu takes the time to stop and ponder.

Something is wrong with Kirk, and now that he’s had time to think about it, he finally notices how much his captain has changed in the last past weeks. How little he smiles, how he always keeps himself busy.

Hikaru needs to be smart about this, subtlety is the key. Trying to ask Jim about it up front would prove useless.

And for that there is one person he needs.

 

* * *

 

“So tell me if I’m wrong,” Uhura says once Hikaru has finished talking. “You want to boost Kirk’s morale. By what? Being more openly caring about him?”

“Yes. That’s about it, yes.”

Uhura pauses. “Where is this coming from out of the sudden?”

“Doesn’t he look miserable to you? I don’t think it’s just McCoy gone for a while, I think he’s spiralling. There’s something else.”

Uhura frowns slightly. She doesn’t say anything for a minute.

“You may be right. I’ve noticed he spends too much time working. He looks exhausted.”

“Yes, and there’s no real mission coming right now,” Sulu adds. “It’s like he’s trying to keep himself occupied all the time, I’m not even sure he’s really slept since McCoy left.”

She nods, “You’re right, we need to do something.”

 

* * *

 

The plan is fairly easy and consists of making sure that Kirk rests and eats. Making him smile would be great as well, maybe try to take some of the weight of his shoulders, even just for a moment.

It should be as simple as that, but nothing is quite as simple when James T. Kirk is concerned.

The first obstacle they run into is that Jim rarely stops working. Even when he’s not supposed to be on shift, he’s always around the ship to make sure that everything is going smooth, and when he’s not needed, he checks elsewhere until he finds something to do.

Attempts at getting Kirk to play a game with them after shift, or even just chat with them, have proved unsuccessful.

It seems the rest of the bridge crew has caught up with Sulu and Uhura’s attempts at getting their captain to rest and to cheer him up. It isn’t long until Chekov starts babbling in the middle of Alpha shift about his love for Russia and everything that’s been invented there.

Even Spock partakes in the conversation that ensues about the crew’s childhood and the shenanigans they would get into. Soon enough, the bridge is filled with laughter and jokes as they reminisce about their past.

Only Jim doesn’t share any stories. He barely even smiles.

 

* * *

 

“Does he ever stop?”

They are both in the mess hall, waiting in line for their food. Sulu is getting frustrated and he knows Uhura is, too.

Any attempt at helping Kirk in any way has been useless. It’s like the man can sense whenever they’re coming, and is always managing ways to avoid them.

“Who never stops?” Scotty asks from behind them.

“The captain,” Uhura answers with a sigh.

“Ah. Yes. He’s often in engineering these days.”

“Exactly!” Sulu sets his trail on the table with a little more force than necessary. “Ever since McCoy went on that mission, it’s like he’s forgotten how to be a proper human being without the doc always reminding him when to take a break.”

Scotty, who is usually vehement himself, says nothing. His face is set in stone and hard to decipher.

“May be that,” he ends up saying.

His voice has nothing of his usual exuberance. Rather, it’s somber and his eyes are low, darkened by something Sulu and Uhura don’t understand.

“Or maybe it’s that time of the year, and the doc being away is just icing on top. He’s just not there to support him.”

Uhura and Sulu exchange a quick worried look.

“What are you saying?”

“Listen, it’s not mine to tell, but I think it’s a good idea to try and cheer up the lad. Something tells me he needs it.”

* * *

 

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the Tarsus IV massacre.

20 years ago, on this day, Governor Kodos gave the order to execute half the population of Tarsus IV.

To save the other half, he had said. It was the only way, he had said.

It’s all Jim can think about. Kodos’ speech. The cries. The screams. The sound of phasers charging and bodies falling to the ground. The smell of blood, heavy and metallic.

The famine that followed. The sick hide and seek game he had the kids play so the younger ones wouldn’t realize it was a matter of life and death.

Jim will never forgive the way his body ached and the fear that would never leave him.

Today of all days, he pushes himself into work. He doesn’t want to think. Even closing his eyes is painful  - he keeps seeing Tarsus IV under his eyelids.

For weeks now, his sleep has been plagued by nightmares - memories - of his time on Tarsus.

Bones isn’t even here with him, he’s been sent away to an important mission on Earth and won’t be back for another 5 weeks.

Jim hasn’t felt so truly alone in years, not since he was a kid on a dying planet, looking up at the stars, waiting for help that wouldn’t come.

He can’t eat. He hates himself for it because food is there and he should eat it, he knows how precious that is. Yet, the too familiar pain of the hunger brings him a twisted comfort. 

That, he knows. That, he can control.

He keeps himself standing with apples. It’s easy to eat and the long chewing process tricks his body into thinking it has eaten more that it actually has.

Twice, he lost control. Alone in his quarters, he ate and ate until he made himself sick, but he refused himself the relief of throwing up. Food should never be wasted.

No matter that he is no longer on Tarsus IV and that there will be no shortage of food anytime soon on the Enterprise.

Oh, he wishes so hard that Bones was there. They have talked as much as possible on vid-comm but it’s not the same as having him there, in his arms.

Jim feels alone. He can’t confide anything in his crew. He trusts them, it’s not an issue, but he could never talk about Tarsus to any of them and not going into details would already be too much.

Sometimes he wants to, he’d talk to Spock or Uhura maybe. Sulu would be a great listener, he’d reckon. Chekov too, he guesses, although seeing him so distress over his captain would probably push Jim to cry the tears he’s been holding for so long.

He thinks Scotty may know. He’s much more observant than he lets on, especially about the people closest to him. But Jim can’t be sure.

He wants to open up but he can’t bring himself to. Maybe he’s still not ready to appear weak in front of them, maybe it’s too much to put on their shoulders. He doesn’t know.

And so he works himself to the brink of exhaustion. Maybe he’ll be lucky enough to pass out and enjoy a few hours of blissful nothing.

Today, he eats nothing. He should celebrate food, he has it now when they didn’t back then, but he can’t do it. Not alone. Not like this.

He barely holds himself together. He doesn’t even see the way his crew looks him - worried, ready to catch his at a moment’s notice should he fall.

He doesn’t see it. He can’t.

The only thing he sees are the ghosts of long past, the only thing he hears are the screams of the dying, and the only thing he feels is his hunger.

His aching, clawing, hunger.

Would he even deserve to eat? On this day of all days? Why would he get to when so many didn’t? Why did he get to live when so many died?

“Captain?” Chekov’s voice brings him out of his dark thoughts.

He feels dazed, dizzy, and it takes a moment too long to focus back on the present.

“Yes, Mr Chekov?”

“The shift has ended. Sir.”

Jim looks around, his crew pretend to be busy with the shift relief but he can read the worry in the way they hold themselves. There’s none of the usual shatter that happens when a shift ends either, it’s total silence.

“Oh.” Jim says. “It appears I’ve lost track of time there.”

Shame settles deep in his stomach, heavy like a stone and sharp like a knife. He’s not being the captain they deserve. He should be at full capacity at all times, especially on shift. Gosh, why can’t he get his head in order already?

“Captain?” Chekov repeats, and oh, great, he has done it again - drifted to the darkest corners of his mind while his crew is counting on him.

“I - sorry. I’m okay. Don’t worry. Maybe a little tired, it’s all.”

He doesn’t wait for others to interrogate him or talk to him, he flees. He can’t face them, they wouldn’t understand and he wouldn’t be able to explain.

He finds himself in MedBay, but Bones is not here, and his absence is more painful than ever. Jim needs Bones. He needs him now, all the time, forever, but he’s not here and Jim is alone.

“Captain!” Jim hears behind him and he turns to find Sulu running up to him.

“Yes, Mr Sulu?” his voice is trained by the effort it takes not to fall apart.

* * *

 

 

Kirk leaving the bridge in such a hurry renders the crew agitated.

“What’s wrong with the Captain?” Chekov asks, worry evident on his face.

Sulu rises from his chair, “I don’t know but I’m going after him.”

The computer tells him that the captain is going in the direction of MedBay, which doesn’t surprise Sulu at all. JIm is so out of it, he may have forgotten Bones isn’t onboard.

The Jim Kirk he finds in MedBay is a pale imitation of the Jim Kirk he has known for the last past years. Shaky, unfocused, he barely seems to register what’s going on around him.

Suddenly, Sulu can’t help but notice how hollow Jim’s cheeks are and how darks the bags under his eyes are. He’s lost weight, and Sulu didn’t see it until now. How didn’t he see it? How could he let down his friend so much?

“Have you eaten anything at all today?”

Jim shakes his head no, and it hurts Sulu to see him so broken.

“Alright, come on. We’re getting something in you.”

“Sulu,” Jim tries to shake his friend’s hand from his arm, but the broken protest carries none of his usual authority.

“Sir. Jim. No offense but I don’t care what you say right now. We’re going to eat.”

“Why?”

Sulu hears the real question.  _ Why do you care? _

“I’m your friend.” As simple as that.

It must be what Jim needed because he crumbles on himself, like his last defense fell.

“Okay.”

The walk to Jim’s ready room takes a long time. As if having resigned himself to the care of his friend, he’s no longer able to put up pretenses, and he’s empty now. Jim can barely stand, he doesn’t even protest when Sulu puts his arm around his friend’s shoulders to help him walk.

Jim says nothing until they are at the ready room’s door.

“You can go now, I’ll be fine.”

“I’m going to pretend like you didn’t just say that.”

Jim sighs, but he says nothing when Sulu makes him sit and starts looking around the drawers.

He finds the old Academy sweater he’s seen Jim wearing several times on days soon enough and turns to Jim.

“Go on, take off your uniform,” he says.

That manages to make Jim look up at Sulu and smile.

“I’m flattered, Sulu, but my heart is spoken for, and I’m sure Bones doesn’t like sharing.”

“Very funny,” Sulu shoots back, aiming for sarcasm, but his own smile betray his amusement.

After a change into more comfortable clothes, Jim seems a little less tensed already.

“What do you want to eat?” Sulu asks softly.

Jim’s smile falls.

“Sulu. I’m - I don’t - ” He’s falling down in front of him.

“What can I do?” and Sulu knows that there will be nothing he wouldn’t do to help this man he’s lucky to call his friend.

“Noise,” Jim says almost urgently. “Distraction. My head - it’s too loud.”

Sulu nods. He thinks he understands and he has no doubt what he needs to do.

“Computer, play the Captain’s favorite songs.”

The first notes of an old 22 nd century balad that Jim often hums start playing.

“I’ll be back in a minute, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

Jim closes his eyes. Sulu isn’t even sure he has heard him, but he hurries out of the room anyway.

 

* * *

 

Scotty is the first to arrive.

He’s holding a bottle of scotch in his hand. Uhura follows suite, her harp with her.

“What?” Jim tries to sit straighter, tries to hide his exhaustion, but Uhura stops him with a hand on his shoulder and a gentle smile on her lips.

“It’s okay, Jim.” The use of his name - so rare coming from her - makes him pay attention. “You don’t have to pretend. Not here, not now.”

“Aye,” Scotty adds. “Just let us be there for you.”

The look of pure gratitude that washes on Jim’s face is almost too much to bear, and Spock and Chekov’s arrival does nothing but deepen it.

Jim is speechless, overwhelmed. He takes a deep breath to keep the treacherous tears from falling down while his friends make themselves at home in his ready room.

Maybe he’s not so alone as he thought.

* * *

 

 

It takes a while but Jim gets out of his shell and ends up talking with them, sharing the moment with them. He even laughs a couple of times, and everytime he seems surprised at himself, like he didn’t know he was capable of it.

The burden he is carrying gets lighter and lighter as the hours pass, and when Sulu mentions food, Jim doesn’t even object.

He eats.

It’s not much, but he eats. The colors start coming back to him, and he sounds more alive than he has done in days.

Much later, when the crew ends up parting ways to go back to their quarters, Jim holds Sulu back, letting the others go ahead.

“Walk with me?” Jim asks.

“Of course,” Sulu answers. He’ll follow his captain to the end of times.

This time, Jim doesn’t need help to stand. He is nothing like the man he was hours earlier, his head is held straight, his eyes are focused. He’s still too pale and too thin, but that’ll pass too.

“I wanted to thank you,” Jim says once they’ve reached his quarters. His voice is heavy with emotions. “You didn’t have to.”

“Of course, I did.”

They both stare at each other, silently communicating their mutual respect and friendship. Sulu hopes his friend understands how much he means, how important he is. 

Jim is the first one to break away and he laughs breathlessly, “Sulu, my man. Come here.”

He opens his arms wide and Sulu accepts the hug with a smile.

“Thank you,” Jim says again, almost a whisper this time.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Sulu says, “but whatever it is, you’re not alone.”

Jim only squeezes harder.

Sulu pretends he doesn’t see Jim wipe a tear once they let go.

“Good night, captain.”

“Good night, my friend.”

 

* * *

“Hey, kid.”

“Bones.”

Jim smiles. He breathes out - finally, he can hear Bones’ voice.

“How are you holding up? Sorry I couldn’t call until now, I tried but -”

“It’s okay, Bones. Really.”

Bones takes in Jim’s appearance He notices the tired lines on his face but he doesn’t find what he feared he would. His eyes aren’t shadowed by alcohol or reddened by tears. He has no scars that would indicate he got into a fight either.

He looks almost normal.

“Jim?”

“Turns out, I wasn’t alone as I thought,” Jim answers, looking awed. “The, hm, the crew was there for him. Especially Sulu, he noticed something was wrong with me. He got everyone together for me. I ate too.”

Bones lets out a shaky breath he didn’t notice he was holding.

“He’s a good man.”

“He is.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“But you were,” Jim shakes his head. “I thought about you all day.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I think I just need to rest now.”

“Okay, love. Keep the comm open, alright? I’ll stay with you.”

And so that is how James Kirk goes to sleep that night, lulled by his lover’s voice, his heart filled by his love for his crew.

His last thought before falling asleep is that he is not alone, and he will never be again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! When I first started writing this story, it wasn't going to be like that at all. What can I say? I can never resist hurt/comfort...
> 
> Tell me in the comments what you thought?


End file.
